Once upon a time there was an intellectual dragon. He lived in a cozy cave halfway up a nicely wooded hill. The top of his cave was covered with shelves holding esoteric dragon scrolls & scholarly human books. The bottom half was, of course, paved with diamonds to avoid scorch marks if he sneezed or snored, which he often did, having allergies.

It was the dragon's ambition to become the world's leading expert on dragon-human relation-ships. The dragon had studied this subject for many years but, as he read more & more books, he became more & more annoyed at the misconceptions that humankind had about dragons. He was quite young, as dragons go, being only a few hundred years old and he had the intolerance of the young.

"It is just not true," the dragon mumbled to himself as he read, "that dragons are greedy about gold & jewels and always seeking more! I, for example, only want enough diamonds to avoid scorching my books & scrolls and, of course, enough gold to pad the cave edges comfortably. I think conspicuous consumption is vulgar.

"And why, I'd like to know," he grumbled, "do these books all insist that dragons are set on devouring young maidens? I mean, if a women is plump enough, I certainly don't care about her age & marital status & I am very fond of children, especially steamed or barbecued..."

Finally, one day he decided to DO something about all -this nonsense. "After all," he thought, "if I am to be an authority on dragon-human relationships, it's time I started relating to humans."

So the dragon crusaded forth to enlighten mankind. After a short fight, he spotted a village and landed in the town square. "People." he began, letting out a few puffs of smoke. The people ran from him, screaming. "Come back here!" he bellowed, "I have something to say." The people ran even faster. "Craven bunch," he grumped. "No intellectual curiosity. Well, this is only a small country hamlet, perhaps I can find humans of greater character in some larger more progressive town."

Taking to the air again, the dragon searched until he found a more ambitious looking town. This time he approached the main square quietly from a small side street. "People," he began, sliding into view, "Do

not be afraid..." but, before he could finish his sentence, the shrieking populace was out of earshot. The dragon did not know what to do. "Perhaps," he decided, "if I wait, these peasants will fetch someone with authority to listen to me." The scholarly dragon waited patiently and eventually, a knight in armor rode into the square. The dragon was delighted. "Sir," the dragon began politely, "I am an authority on dragon/human relations and I have come to correct some misconceptions mankind has about dragons.

The knight, instead of listening, charged, yelling something about St. George and attempted to skewer the dragon upon his lance. The startled dragon slid nimbly aside. "Wait!" he squealed "Listen to me! It is untrue dragons are greedy. We only want enough diamonds to pave our caves and.." The knight stabbed at the dragon's snout with his lance. "Would you stop that?" roared the dragon, ducking out of reach, "I just want to talk with you!"

The dragon stepped backward and made another attempt to gain the knight's wayward attention. "Listen I just want to say that it is false that dragons yearn only to devour young maidens.. a plump housewife, a chubby young man, even a fat sheep are perfectly satisfactory. I say! Would you stop with the lance?"

The knight dismounted and swung his sword at the dragon's tender underbelly. The dragon, with the single-mindedness of the scholar, continued to plead as he sucked his belly in and out of reach, "would you please, stop that and listen? I'm trying to explain something. I...Quit that! You hurt me!"

The knight swung his sword again, The dragon, finally losing patience, blew out a solid stream of fire and incinerated the knight, putting a definite end to the conversation. He took to the air. "It is, however," he mused pensively, as he flew away "perfectly true that dragons breathe fire."

The dragon returned to his pleasant cave and his studies and, thereafter, when he disagreed with an author, he wrote a scholarly monograph and had it published.

THE END

Written & Posted with permission by Elaine Fontaine